What this is really all about

I was reflecting on my "odyssey" as Kim terms it and thinking about the whole issue of losing weight and getting healthy and realised that it really isn't about weightloss. That is a definite bonus, and certainly it is the "outward" proof and sign of what I am doing. But this whole journey is truly about something else.

It is about gaining control over PCOS. I view this as a war of sorts; over this condition that I didn't ask for or want, and yet I have. It is a lifelong condition that leads to other health concerns, some more serious than others and some just more frustrating. I know that I am not as bad off as some who have it, but at the same time, my symptoms have been getting worse as I get older and taking over my health and fertility more and more. That is the frustrating and disheartening aspect of it.

So as I have been changing my health and in the process losing weight (because really it is crucial for gaining control over this) and becoming stronger and fit, I am switching the balance of control from PCOS to ME. This is what I find to be my true triumph. I am seeing some of my symptoms decrease and THAT gives me the greatest satisfaction. It was the diagnosis of PCOS that made me say to myself “Uh uh, I am NOT letting it be in charge. I am not going to give in to it, if it's the last thing I do". So each improvement, each pound lost, each inch I lose is a tiny score in this battle. I know it is going to be lifelong. So that is life. I can accept that as long as I know what it is I am dealing with. I won't ever let it gain control over me again.

Like I mentioned, I don't have the same battle that many have with it. My hormones are out of whack, but I can and do ovulate on my own. I am not dealing with thinning hair, or too much Hyperandrogenism.I don't have cystic ovaries or enlarged ovaries or chronic pelvic pain. I do have SOME (though not as bad as many have)hirsutism and insulin resistance (though it isn't detected through tests as being severe. Personal experience has shown me it is bad enough as long as I am ignoring it). So it isn't the huge battle it can be for many other women. I have heard that there are women who have completely eradicated their symptoms through lifestyle change and my goal is to do just that. Like I said I am not letting it take over my life anymore.

There are days when I feel like cursing the fact I have it. I wish I could be a "normal" woman, because with PCOS, it is a struggle to "feel" like a normal woman. Then there are other days when I am thankful I have it and not something else more serious, and thankful that I do have it because it has taught me to be more aware of my health and wellbeing. I suppose it is really how you approach it. Is the cup half empty or half full? Most days it is half full.

And it keeps getting more full as I see these symptoms deteriorate.

Not much to report, but here it is...

Kim is away until Thursday for training in Vancouver and we are missing him but I am not going to go to comfort eating! Don't worry :) I am down a total of 66 lbs as of this morning. I am having good workouts too. We went to the gym this morning and will tomorrow and Wednesday (can't rely on any evenings as Kim isn't here)and then probably Friday or Saturday. I am going to work on improving my yoga practice. I haven't really done that yet! I wish I could work with a teacher but that's not in the budget right now. I do it well on my own and even so my flexibility has increased, so I can do it.

Nothing else to report. And nothing else I can think of to write about so that's it!

Today's Update

So here are my updated "stats". I weighed and measured this morning and I am down 11 lbs in the last 4 weeks for a total of 63 lbs lost since the beginning of January, and 7 inches lost in the last 4 weeks for a total of 42.50 inches lost.

I am pleased with the results. I also increased my speed on the treadmill and it feels good to be running faster. I look forward to how my endurance will improve as more weeks go by. I am also pleased with how my body is shaping up as my muscles are developing. Weight training is important for so many things and definitely, for how one's body looks. I have to kick myself that I ever slipped up doing it (about 10 years ago and more I was weight training more regularly), and won't ever stop doing it.

Anyway, so that's the report for 20 June. I will do unofficial weighing a couple of more times in the next month and then the "official" weighing and measuring on 16 or 17 of July rather than the 18th, because I won't be able to update that day.

I really do love how I am feeling and I do think it is making a dent in my PCOS. Let's hope!

Upcoming

Stay tuned for this coming Sunday when I post my most recent progress (that's if you care, lol.)

Glycemic Index and eating

When I first began looking into what I needed to focus on eating or not eating as a PCOSer (though I already knew that white flour, refined sugar, junk food and most processed food was out anyway, of course), most people were talking about "low carb". I wasn't too keen on it for a few reasons, the first being that I am a vegetarian and do not intend to become a meat eater. I don't believe meat is always unhealthy, but I also don't believe it should be the primary nutrition, which it seems many Atkins advocates seem to think (bacon will NEVER BE HEALTHY lol).

So anyway, onto the Glycemic Index. The glycemic index is a ranking of foods based on their immediate effect on blood glucose levels. It isn't a "diet" program" but an explanation of how the foods are likely to affect a person, especially those who are diabetic, pre-diabetic and insulin resistant. My personal belief is that the modern western diet has created a need for this, as so many foods are being simplified and refined. So many people rely on convenience foods and have lost sight of what food is really supposed to be...nourishment for our bodies, and so many of the diseases that were virtually non-existent a hundred years ago, or at least very rare, are becoming more prevalent today. Not all are related to the glycemic index of course.

So anyway, I focus on glycemic index and on "portion" control. Or in other words I use real serving sizes now instead of the McDonald's supersizing plan. It has made a difference. My appetite several months ago was controlled by my blood sugar and insulin levels. I had little idea of how food even tasted. I had little idea of how it was nourishing me or what I really needed. Not that I was eating a lot of junk food. But I ate too much refined bread and easy to prepare foods. We don't have junk food in our house, and rarely have had it here. Same with sugar, though in the past I would indulge my sugar cravings (and sugar cravings are really really nasty. You really have to go cold turkey and not touch refined sugar and very little natural sugars to develop any control over it.)In spite of the fact it was affecting my mental and physical functioning. It's a hard addiction to break. I really feel that refined sugar is a poison and the fact that it is in SO many foods makes it even more difficult to avoid. However, it’s not impossible. You just have to learn to read labels constantly and eat most foods as close to the source as possible.

I really feel the key to PCOS control and just general good health is in eating nutritionally. And nutrition doesn't come in a box, it comes in the food that has been grown and created to nourish and strengthen our bodies. Excercise is also important, because we live in a sedentary world, where most tasks are now conveniently taken care of. So that's what my main focus is, eating nutritionally and excercising regularly and intensely. It's working :) Now to get my hormones balanced. That's not as simple as the other, but I think it is beginning to happen. I will have more of an idea if it is happening in the next month or so. Ah the fun of PCOS.

Running and intervals

As I already mentioned, I run at the gym 4 times a week and what I am using is a variation on the Body for Life interval training. It has really helped me increase my speed and intensity sooner and more steadily. I think I would have given up if I weren't doing it this way because by the time I have finished my cardio workout I am almost wiped out. I recover soon enough but it really pushes me to the limit. Whew. I love it though! I wish I could go back to high school and show my old gym teacher that I actually am BECOMING a runner! I hated it in high school.

Yoga

For the past 5 years, I have been practicing yoga almost daily. For the first year I did it on my own and after that, began classes, which was a smart move. For the past couple of years I have been back to doing it on my own, but with what I have learned from certified teachers and the reading I have done, I am still able to improve my practice. Of course there is lots of room for improvement.

Yoga has many benefits; physically, increasing flexibility, strength and endurance, mentally and spiritually. I find that my stress decreases when I practice yoga. Right now, I am trying to perfect the crow (Kakasana) pose. Well, actually I am trying to do it properly. I still haven't managed to lift my feet off the ground. But I will keep trying until I do it. This is what yoga is about, continually improving and growing. I certainly have since I began to practice it, I can reach further, I can hold poses longer, I relax better. It's certainly worth the effort.

I would love to start classes again, but it will have to wait.

Today and Yesterday

Last night we were taken to Cheesecake cafe for supper and I had a lovely Portabella mushroom sandwhich on focaccia for supper with a lovely green salad (and with good lettuce not the ice berg stuff). I was rather pleased with myself. Kim, my mum and my brother Sam had decadent desserts and I wasn't raging to eat any of them :) Even when my mother didn't finish her cheesecake. I am not saying they didn't look wonderfully delicious. They did, of course! Cheesecake cafe really has wonderful desserts. Unfortunately they don't have any healthy options, or at least not according to the server, though the owner later told my mum that of COURSE they could make a fruit plate :).

Anyway, being a lover of wonderful sweet desserts like that I have overcome that particular hurdle last night.

This morning I measured my waist (not officially, I do that in a couple of weeks) out of curiousity and I lost another inch, woohoo! Total of 7 inches lost on my waist since January. Wow that feels good.

I sure hope I haven't passed on my penchant for rich desserts onto my children. Since they aren't allowed junk food or refined sugar right now hopefully their tastes will develop more healthfully. They do love fruit :) We can hardly keep it in the house.

Musings

I am not going to just post my progress, as that will get old fast, will it not? I also want to write some of my thoughts and opinions on weight, how society relates and PCOS and other areas that I think relate to this.

I want to start with society's views on people who are overweight, particularly women who are overweight.

I have struggled with my body image for many years. I started gaining weight when I was beginning puberty (on hindsight that makes total sense with the whole PCOS issue). Almost immediately, I was encouraged and assisted to lose it and I know that this contributed to how I viewed myself (not a positive thing), because being overweight was "bad". At least when I was growing up. I did not even get a portion of the negativity some people get. I really did not get negativity from my family, at least not overt negativity from parents or other family members because they were not mean and they loved me. However, I was encouraged to lose weight and over the years was promised new wardrobes when I got slim, so there was still the underlying attitude that I wasn't completely acceptable until I was skinny. Now I do not think this was conscious or intentional, it was just a product of society that infiltrates everyone to a degree. When I was 13 I went to the now defunct Weightloss Clinic and lost weight, I have no idea how much but I lost a lot (how could I not, I was on 750 calories a day). There was a lot of misinformation out in the 70s and 80s (and of course before that) about health and weight and what to do about it. One thing I was very fortunate in was that I knew I was a child of God and even if society did not think I was acceptable, He did. That still did not help how I saw myself physically. Schoolmates and siblings would make fun of me and I had to "ignore" it, not give them the satisfaction of knowing it touched me. Well of course it did. But even today it is "ok" to make fun of fat people. It is wrong to ridicule ethnic groups or the mental or physically challenged (not that there aren't people who still do this, but it is socially unacceptable), but society still allows people who are overweight to be ridiculed and laughed at and they are supposed to laugh along with it or they aren't being good sports.

Not everyone of course makes fun of fat people. However, enough do and enough allow it, that the children who struggle with their body image (and yes I know this happens to skinny people too, but not to the degree it does to the fat folks) and concept of what is attractive and what is acceptable. I have been told over the years oh how many times that I "have a pretty face". At first I saw it as a compliment, but it got kind of old, it is what people say to fat people to have something positive to say. Your body isn't pretty, but your face is. When I was growing up, plus-sized people, in particular women, are not considered beautiful. Thank goodness, this archaic thinking is starting to fade. Unfortunately, not fast enough. Children still get dragged through the mud of bullying and ridicule and then people wonder how it gets to the point where a child takes a gun to school? It may seem like a long shot, right; because teasing is something, everyone should endure. Children are supposed to develop "character" as they grow up. True. However, when that character is supposed to come through name-calling and taunting it falls short of its goal. At least now, there is more focus in schools and in family support services on positive reinforcements. However, elementary and high schoolchildren (and even many adults) have somehow skipped this training.

In school, I got it almost on a daily basis, and was told to ignore it. Well my advice is not to ignore it because number one it does not work and number two it allows the perpetrator to think what s/he is doing is acceptable. My only redeeming feature that allowed some admiration from my peers was that I could sing and I could sing well. This continued into high school. There were schoolmates who were constantly derisive, making some of the cruelest and nasty comments and I was supposed to continue ignoring it. I did, for the most part, as my self-esteem plummeted and I found some outlets with some friends and in activities such as music and drama and reading. I did not hate myself as much as I could have because I still knew that Heavenly Father loved me and my family loved me. However, I felt that I had no redeeming physically qualities, that I was physically repulsive and the only way to get beyond that was to lose weight. As a teenager, I did not care how I did it. In addition, I knew later that I was not alone and that there are still teenagers and pre-teens who feel this way. Their self worth is so wrapped up in how they look because of the media and society pushing what is appropriate (and these new reality and make-over shows just make things worse) that it is difficult to see beyond that. In addition, many do not have the positive reinforcement at home to counteract any of this.

It wasn't until I got out of my teen years and left North American society for several months (I was in Ireland) that I realised that I wasn't as repulsive as I thought and I was on the road to accepting myself in spite of being overweight. I cannot say that I reached a point where I thought I was completely attractive and acceptable being plus size. I got a lot more attention when I was slimmer than I did when I was not. One thing I did come to is that it is more important to love yourself and accept your body then it is to be a certain weight. Sure overweight can cause health problems, but a slim person is not automatically at a lower risk for health problems. An overweight person is not always a lazy good for nothing either. Of course, many factors create ill health. I have met many large sized people who are very healthy (and I count myself in that. I may be 65 lbs or so overweight but I have great endurance, strength and flexibility).

I do not know how on track I am staying, but my real point is that fat people are not less people because they are heavier. Everyone is a child of our Heavenly Father, every person has extreme value, and everyone has beauty and acceptability because of who they are. We judge on appearance so often and those that pay the price are the ones who cannot defend themselves, the children who day by day (and trust me this does happen) are being attacked because they do not fit what our society says is beautiful. Then something happens as they grow, they become bitter and angry and lash out or they become withdrawn and so damaged that they cannot lead happy normal lives. Of course, this does not happen to all of them, but unfortunately, it happens to enough. So perhaps it is up to us as adults to change that view. I see more self-image workshops for schools and I am so happy they are doing this! More and more this needs to happen. However, maybe part of the focus should be on the bullies. Stop them before they get to the point where they think it is ok to make fun of others. Where do they learn this? Maybe in the home; maybe from TV. They are not born with it.

I tell my children constantly how beautiful they are, and that they are talented, bright, smart, and wonderful. Because they are. They have so much worth and I want it ingrained in them how marvelous and precious they are before someone tries to take this away from them. Because someday someone will. You cannot avoid society. I have doubts that my 5-year-old daughter will deal with the weight problems I have because I do not think she has my body type, and hopefully will not have PCOS. It might be too early to tell though. However, no matter what she will always be beautiful and wonderful and I want her to love herself because she should. All children everywhere deserve to be loved, accepted, and thought beautiful, because you know what? They are. Every single person, every single child is beautiful on the outside and the inside. Heavenly Father does not make garbage.

Now saying all of this I am not saying it is bad to lose weight. It is bad for the wrong reasons because it will not be permanent. I am losing weight now for two particular reasons. With my PCOS I am at higher risk for diabetes and heart problems and being overweight will contribute to this significantly, and being overweight to a certain point, I cannot get pregnant. Therefore, these are the two reasons I am losing weight. Yes, I want to be slim for other reasons, but those are secondary to my real reasons and more of a "bonus". If this makes sense. :)